Steve is bringing SexyBack… to Walter?

Steve here. I was supposed to Skype with Basil last night, but he messaged me to say he’s not my boyfriend and never was – and then told me to leave him alone.

Why would he say that? The week that Basil visited was pure bliss. We’re perfect for one another. Basil was the fish in my treat, the milk in my bowl… my dream come true.

Or so I thought.

Now I just feel used. Basil knew I was wounded after everything that happened between Willow and me and he took advantage. And to think I almost threw out all of my t-shirts and started wearing bow ties for him! I would have looked as ridiculous as Willow did in those FelExodus ads!!

My EX-boyfriend, Willow, in an ad for FelExodus.

I was talking to Carol and she suggested I find a project. Something outside of myself (and apart from my killer abs) to focus on. So I decided to help my brother, Walter.

Walter needs LOTS of help. He loves to read, enjoys learning, appreciates classical music, and actually likes going to therapy. The dude is never gonna get a girlfriend. But I think I can help him get some game.

Steve’s Tips on How to Be Sexy

1. No cowering. Walter has to stop crouching in a corner every time someone calls his name to go outside, or take a walk, or come eat dinner.
   

   Not sexy.

2. Be suave. It’s all about attitude. At least that’s what I told Walter. But I think the only attitude he had was terrified.
   

   I tried to get Walter to replicate my sexy bathtub shot and this was the best he could do.

3. Be aware of your body. Walter must learn to think about how he’s holding himself. When you lay down you’re not just resting. You’re posing. You’re ALWAYS posing.
   

   Walter was channeling Olive from Little Miss Sunshine. Not quite what I had in mind for him.

4. No more collars and leashes. They’re humiliating. Walter says he only wears them to go on walks, but I pointed out that on walks is exactly when he’s going to be seen. What will the girls think? It’s no good. So I had LOUD Mom put a collar and leash on me to show Walter how ridiculous he looks.
   

   It’s impossible to look cool — or have any self-respect — when you wear these.

Of course there’s way more to being sexy. But I had to start somewhere. Walter needs practice. TONS of practice. Looks like I have my paws full!