Operation Acorn

I guess peace and quiet can only last so long. Especially when you live in my house.

I love my brother, Steve, but boy does he wear me out! Last week the guys in the Springhill Ballers started questioning his “street cred,” which had him all twisted in knots. They said he was too soft [which he took as a not-so-veiled insult to his abs] and cared more about looking tough than being tough [true and true].

Would you call this tough?

I told Steve not to sweat it. As Baby Girl’s mentor, Gwyneth Paltrow, sagely says, “Do what is right for you, and don’t give a sh*t about what anyone else thinks.” While I agree, I do think she could have put that a little more nicely.

Anyway, my words went in one ear and out the other. The fellas from the Ballers told Steve that if he wants to stay in the gang, he has to prove that he’s not a fraidy cat.

In Walter and The General’s ongoing efforts to thwart the neighborhood squirrels, they hired the Springhill Ballers to raid and relocate the squirrels’ winter caches.

Not in OUR yard!

Gus, leader of the Ballers, demanded that Steve sneak out of the house after dark and participate in the raid, or else be kicked out of the gang. Because he so badly wants to be accepted, Steve said he was all in. Oh boy.

So Steve spent the next 48 hours trying to figure out what he should wear for the raid. [If you’re a long-time reader of my blog, this will sound familiar.] He remembers seeing our moms watch movies where humans that rob banks wear pantyhose over their heads. Steve loves pantyhose  –

and capes and bracelets,

and bling. Lots and lots of bling.

Eggnog lets him borrow the bling from her days as a famous canine rap artist.

While Steve and I were hanging out napping on our moms’ bed, we heard Ethel come in the room, sneak into the closet, and start rummaging through some clothes. Lucky for us she didn’t know we were in there – or all heck would have broken loose. Just the sight of Steve throws Ethel into convulsions!

Ethel came out of the closet with a stocking and proceeded to wiggle herself into it. We watched with keen interest trying to figure out what she was doing.

Keeping my PG rating.

After she squeezed into the nylon, she wrapped herself in a piece of beautiful fabric. Then she walked over to the mirror and admired herself from all angles. Why, she looked like she’d lost at least a pound! Amazing.

Ethel’s version of playing coy.

Off Ethel went to Skype with her boyfriend, Arnold. Poor Arnold.

Well, that was it for Steve. He decided the best way to wear the pantyhose was around his middle, not over his head. He said it would be a shame to hide such a pretty face.

No, what he was going to do was enhance his abs with this nylon stocking. If it made Ethel look that good, just imagine what wonders it would do for him!

I expressed concern, telling Steve I thought the reason burglars wore pantyhose over their heads was not for vanity, but so that they wouldn’t be recognized. He said that was silly – they planned the raid for after dark so no one would see them. Covering their heads would be overkill.

Well, I tried.

When the night of the raid came, Steve poured himself into the tube adding a few flourishes of his own.

The General came into the room to wish Steve luck, but stopped dead in his tracks when he caught sight of him. “I have to live with that nincompoop Walter…

and now this,” grumbled The General. “Looks like Operation Acorn is dead in the water.” And with a deep sigh The General turned around and walked out of the room.

After helping Steve escape out our secret door, The General, Walter, and I settled in at the windows hoping to see the action.

Steve sauntered up to the corner of the yard, playing it very cool, where he met Gus and the other fellas.

They began sniffing around the yard in the vicinity where Walter and The General indicated the squirrels’ winter goodies were buried.

Gus keyed in on a spot and started digging a hole. The others gathered around to watch. Just then Nibbles’s head darted to the left. Following his gaze across the yard, we saw a mole sticking his head out of the ground. Off Nibbles ran to hide behind the shed and stalk his potential prey.

That left Smitty, Steve, and Gus to finish the job. Ignoring the distraction, Gus continued digging diligently.

From inside the house, The General praised Gus’s focus, but wondered why the other guys were just standing around like a bunch of clowns. Why wasn’t Gus being a real leader and putting them to work, he wondered. The General said leaders aren’t supposed to work, that the whole point of being in charge is being able to order everyone else around. That makes The General a very good leader.

Maybe Gus had said something because Smitty started wandering away from the site and sniffing around the perimeter. He, too, started digging a hole of his own. Great!

Clearly not wanting to be left out, Steve went about finding his own hole to dig. I got the impression, though, that he just started digging for the sake of digging, not because he found a potential acorn cache. I know my brother too well.

No sooner had Steve started digging, though, than he was distracted by something at the fence. We could barely make out the silhouette, but it appeared to be… his ex-boyfriend, Willow? Uh-oh.

I guess that leaves Smitty and Gus to finish the job.

But when we looked back, Smitty had stopped digging and was rolling around in the grass, licking his paws, and taking a bath.

Now Walter and The General had had it. They trusted these cats to get the job done and three out of the four had pooped out.

Wait, make that four out of four. Gus had left his hole and joined Nibbles at the front of the yard to stalk the poor mole.

Well, that was it. Not able to stand it any longer, The General started barking at the guys to get back to work. Walter chimed in, too, and soon enough our sister, Eggnog, not even knowing why she was barking, was at the window with them barking up a storm. [Eggnog never misses a chance to bark at something.]

Within seconds LOUD Mom appeared in the sunroom telling the furry beasts to stop barking, then opened the door for them to go outside. Out they ran. And so ended Operation Acorn.

Oh well, at least the quiet had returned… if only momentarily.