Saving Colonel Sanders

Ever since Ethel received my letter – I mean Lou Kout’s letter – she’s been on Cloud 9. I almost feel bad. Almost! She’s not been back in our person that’s away at college [but home for the summer]’s bedroom since the letter came, which means I’ve had the room all to myself.

Well, when I’m not sharing it with Walter.

Shortly after receiving the letter, Ethel snuck into the hall closet and pulled out a bunch of Swiffer pads. She said she needed to “practice” and didn’t have time to wait for the Procter & Gamble people to send the Feline Swiffer prototype. So she fashioned her own. Now she insists her version is so good that the humans at Procter & Gamble should use it instead! What an ego!

Action shot!

Ethel paced the house wearing her new wrap, complaining about how dirty it was getting as it dragged on the floor. I tried to explain that the whole point of the Feline Swiffer was that her dragging gut would clean the floor so our moms don’t have to mop, but she told me I was being foolish. Why would a company sell a beautiful garment with the intention of it getting filthy?

Already aggravated, Ethel decided to Skype with her boyfriend, Arnold, to tell him about the excitement and see if maybe he had suggestions for how to keep the wrap clean. [Maybe don’t insist our moms feed you ten times a day?!]

I sat just outside the room listening as Ethel went on and on about her impending fame and fortune. I watched as she shoved the “Procter & Gamble” letter into Arnold’s view so he could read for himself. And I nearly gasped when I heard Arnold express doubt as to the letter’s validity!

[Almost] gasp!

Arnold told Ethel that something just didn’t add up. Why would anyone want to denigrate Ethel’s beautiful form by using it to clean? And, even if they did want to do that, why couldn’t she go on the second floor? Wouldn’t they want to test the device at different altitudes?

Arnold encouraged Ethel to be skeptical and do some digging. He said he has mischievous siblings and knows what nonsense they’re capable of committing.

Remember these guys? Arnold’s worthless and obnoxious brothers.

I ran for the living room to warn the others as I heard Ethel say goodbye to Arnold [with lots of disgusting kissy noises]. Next thing we knew, we heard a loud screech. The General ran, and I followed, toward the excruciating noise!

Ethel had taken Colonel Sanders hostage!

She demanded to know WHO sent that letter and said the chicken was gonna get it if someone didn’t fess up. Colonel Sanders, his voice muffled under Ethel’s tummy, implored The General not to say a word. He said he’d lived a good and long life and if it was his time, so be it. He didn’t want The General to cave to Ethel’s threats.The General reminded Ethel that Colonel Sanders was an innocent bystander in all of this and asked her to release him. She adamantly refused unless he provided her with the author of that letter. I stepped forward to speak up, but The General pawed at me to move back.

Just then, Little Mom walked past the room and Ethel perked up. I recognized that glimmer in her eye! In a flash, Ethel was out of the chair and running, her gut swaying to and fro, toward The One That Feeds Her. And just like that Colonel Sanders was free and we were off the hook!

Phew! That was a close call.