And you get a car! Or maybe just a splinter.

I’m not sure if it’s the rebirthing or the response he got from his post, but Walter has a real spring in his step. And he hasn’t chased me for almost two whole days!!! Whatever the reason, I’ll take it!

I can’t say the same for Ethel, however. She’s been a real handful since Baby Girl was here for our rebirthing. Ethel tells me she’s done with Baby Girl. She said she’s followed all of Baby Girl’s instructions for achieving her dreams of a singing career and nothing’s come of it.

For starters, Baby Girl told Ethel to read The Secret and do exactly what the book said. So for over a week Ethel disappeared into her book. What a delightful (and quiet) week that was.

In case you missed this photograph the last time. One of the few times – ever – that Ethel was quiet.

The Secret told Ethel that she should know her purpose in life and live it. That seemed pretty straight forward: Ethel wants to be the feline Barbra Streisand. From there The Secret said all she needed to do was believe she can achieve her goals and then visualize herself having achieved them. Done and done. But still no recording contract, and no fame.

After nothing came of the rebirthing, which was supposed to center her and bring her inner peace, Ethel was at her wits end. She gave Baby Girl the what for (using language I cannot repeat here) and told her where she could put her Life Coaching certification. I was so embarrassed – Baby Girl is my friend and confidant.

This is what Ethel looks like when she’s not happy… so, most of the time.

Baby Girl told me Ethel will be back, but she won’t be helping her again. She was incensed at Ethel’s ungrateful and disrespectful behavior. She said she intends to concentrate her efforts on those that want and appreciate her expertise.

Since the Baby Girl blowout, Ethel’s been on a tear. She stomps around the house. Look at her sideways and she’ll give you an earful (even worse than her singing). And you should hear the way she talks to our moms! They must have no idea what she’s saying because, if they knew, I don’t think they’d talk to her in that sing-song voice.

Out of desperation, Ethel approached Sherman (aka The General) for advice. I had to inquire, of anyone she could ask for guidance in this house, why Sherman? Ethel said he seems like a strong leader, plus he gets our moms to give him an endless supply of chewies, so maybe he would have some concrete ideas for how she can achieve her goals, too.

The General ordered a stringent regimen of calisthenics and told her to read a book called Navy Seal Leadership: Be Unbeatable: Recreate Your Life as Extraordinary Using the Secrets of a Navy Seal. Sherman told her he doesn’t like the Navy as much as the Army, but said it’s still an excellent book.

Ethel was apprehensive about reading another book, but complied with The General’s orders. Worse than the book, however, was the exercise regimen. Jogging and belly crawls were part of her physical training, while Sherman recorded her times with a stopwatch-in-paw, and Ethel ended up with a splinter in her dragging belly. Now she’s worried she can never be on Katzenworld’s Tummy Rub Tuesday again.

Well, that was it for Ethel. She shouted that she’s done with ALL of us. Said no one in this tiny town can understand her worldly ambitions. All we do is tell her she can’t sing and will never be able to have a perm like Barbra. Ethel said she would reach out to someone else that came from humble beginnings and went on to become the biggest star in the world. “Grumpy Cat?” I asked. No, Oprah.

I tried to tell Ethel that Oprah doesn’t even have a talk show anymore. But she’d hear none of that. Told me I was just trying to keep her down. When I suggested she write to Ellen because Ellen LOVES cats, Ethel was insulted. She said Ellen’s a comedian, and she’s a professional singer. Said that was just another example of how none of us take her seriously.

So I let it go. If you’re out there reading this, Oprah, Ethel wants to be on your show. The one you don’t have any more.

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