A bag full of mixed nuts

I’ve been biting my tongue, but someone needs to speak up, so I guess, yet again, it’s going to be me. Carol already thinks I’m a goody two-shoes anyway. This whole blog thing Carol started has careened out of control. We were a nice, quiet household until her blog. Just three dogs, four cats, two moms, and a person who abandoned us to go to college. But now we’re stuck in a soap opera. Let me sum up how ridiculous life in the “not-so-fast-lane,” as Carol puts it, has become:

1. The old lady Violet has taken to eating dog food. With fervor.
2. Ethel thinks she should be famous and on the verge of a mega singing career… in spite of the fact that her 1 PM concert was a flop.
   

   Ethel stole the sweater LOUD Mom knitted for ME because she wants to be prepared when the paparazzi arrive.

3. Steve has an online dating profile. Sexy_Steve, the master chillaxer? Seriously?
4. Willow, Steve’s former “boyfriend” from across the street, met a couple (Greg & Cindy) from a group called FelExodus who encouraged Willow to date female felines. Now Willow has three girlfriends and possibly a litter on the way.
5. I say “possibly a litter on the way” because rumors are that Willow is not the father of the litter. Hence, Carol wrote a talk show host named Mr. Maury who does paternity testing. How crazy is that?!
6. Baby Girl, Willow’s sister, has become a Certified Life Coach and is working with Ethel and Steve. Enough said.
7. Baby Girl’s “professional” help has Ethel reading a wacky self-help book called The Secret and Steve making a completely self-defeating “Vision Board.”
8. Walter’s anxiety is so bad, despite the Prozac AND therapy, that our moms can’t get him to go outside, and when he’s outside he’s too scared to come back inside. He’s afraid of doorways, raindrops, his food bowl, the water fountain, footsteps, and sometimes even me. Well, I wish he was afraid of me. He steals my chewies.
9. Even though our moms have no idea most of these things are going on, they are clearly affected. Last weekend LOUD Mom cracked and put a sign in the yard because she’s fed up with Willow and his sisters killing the birds she feeds. Yet she hates some of the birds and has even said she’d be fine if the cats only killed certain kinds. Madness.

Something’s gotta give. If Carol doesn’t do something to calm the chaos, I’m going to have no choice but to find a way to tell our moms how much time she’s spending online. I don’t know what else to do. If you have any suggestions, please share!